Lessons of the Heart

Hope

Yellow Flash

Another sleepless night. Another hope that I wanted to share.

At the end of the day what do I hope for and dream of my future, as far as ever opening my heart again.

I hope that one day I will know what it feels like to be a priority just once.

I hope that one day I will not have to feel like I have to guarded with new people that try to get close.

I hope that one day, someone will see the way I love and love me back with the same energy that I've given out.

I hope that one day, I will look at these lessons I have learned and smile because they led my to happiness.

But right now there is only a sense of dread. I can feel myself slipping into the same person I used to be, where I kept everyone at arms length. Where I only looked out for myself. I hate this version of myself. I don't want to go back, but one foot is already in the door. I am trying to step back out into the light and the arms of the people who do love me...but for some reason this battle feels harder than any of the ones I've had before.

In the end I hope that I haven't lost myself.

Chapters and Lessons

If you follow me on TikTok, you may have seen my video about heartbreak and getting through those tough times when I gave my heart to people. This message is for all young men and women, sharing the lessons I learned from three very different loves. Each of these "chapters" includes lessons I learned. My hope is that anyone new to love, or anyone who wants a roadmap of what to avoid, will see my mistakes and not follow the same paths I did. I want to warn you that the first "chapter" may include triggering content that can be uncomfortable. Please read at your own risk.

Chapter P

This chapter was one of firsts. This woman was my first of everything. The first woman who I believed was way out of my league. My first relationship that lasted longer than a year. The first woman, other than family, who said I love you. We were engaged after one year and together for four before we ended things. Throughout this relationship, I tolerated emotional abuse and neglect. None of my achievements could ever be celebrated, because they outshone her and made her feel small. Whenever there were issues, I was always at fault. I was always the one to blame. There was also physical abuse, including closed-fist punching to the head and face. And when she tried to end things, I was still the one who asked for one more chance....

The Lessons: I shrank myself to be someone I was not. I made myself so small that I felt worthless. I was a punching bag literally and figuratively. Never shrink yourself because who you are and your victories make someone else feel insecure. Someone who truly loves you will never make you feel small. Someone who truly loves you will never put their hands on you for any reason. Someone who loves you can see where both of you need to work on things to be in a healthy relationship.

Chapter A

This chapter is mostly happy. This woman became my wife. We were also together for about four years before we got married, and then for another four. Our problems were complicated, starting within the first year of the relationship. The major incident that happened within the first year and a half, I cannot talk about here. Just know the scars lasted through the rest of the relationship and still follow me today. I struggled to feel like anything I did was appreciated, and I felt like we never truly made decisions together. Even couples therapy did not erase the bigger issues that both of us had ignored. I poured myself into work and gave everything I had to my coaching and teaching. I realized too late that I was avoiding going home most days because it felt empty.

The Lessons: I gave myself to my career and things outside of the relationship that made me feel appreciated, which caused a rift. At the same time, I realized that feeling appreciated and seen was a big part of how I felt loved. If I didn't pour everything I had into my coaching career, would the marriage survive? Probably not, because of the other factors. I never felt like a partner. I felt like I was always failing financially, and when I tried to show my appreciation, they didn't appreciate it either. The lesson I learned was that if I cared more about my career than my partner, then the relationship would never work. I tried to take this lesson into the next chapter.

Chapter C

This is the most complex chapter. This relationship was so different from the other two. Not just because it was long-distance. But it was how I felt for most of it. I didn't shrink my overall self for the first year. I felt like I balanced everything very well. I was head over heels for someone whom I only got to see either once a week or every other weekend. The biggest issue was that they didn't like labels, which was foreign to me...but we made it work. Another reason this was so different was that a child was involved. I had never experienced this factor in a relationship before. And I had the beautiful experience of falling in love twice within the same relationship. Then there was an implosion. To this day, I still speculate on what caused it. Maybe the relationship technically ended with the implosion, and the final call was just a formality months later. It's taken time to work through what I learned from this chapter; therapy and reflection seem to be helping.

The Lessons: I gave every bit of my love to this relationship. I don't regret it. But I learned that you cannot love someone enough to heal them of their past. I also learned that I cannot accept being loved quietly, as if I am a secret to hide from the world, because all that caused was anxiety. Another pattern I can probably see is that I shrank myself again. I shrank my wants and my feelings so they wouldn't bother my person whenever I felt alone because I didn't want to admit that the implosion completely threw off my entire approach to the relationship.

If I can give you, the reader, one last piece of advice, it is this: learn from me and never change how you love and express your desires. Do not shrink yourself. And never stay in a relationship where there is any type of physical or emotional abuse.

Black Cat (my attempt at prose) (7/28/2026)

What beautiful creatures black cats are.
Dark and mysterious.
They move with grace.
Even when they stumble, they always land on their feet.

But there is a sad side to black cats,
They have been misunderstood for years,
Some see them as a bad omen,
Some don't trust them because the mystery could be dangerous.

They have learned to live alone,
They have learned to rely on themselves because

when they got too close to others,
All they received was rejection,
Sometimes even pain.

They live with their stigmas,
They move away from people who might hurt them once again,
Even when a hand reaches out, they have fear deep in their hearts,
When will this hand turn against them?

So they live quietly on their own,
Black cats are nothing but resilient.
They learn to take care of themselves and their young,
And be wary of what strangers may bring.

However, some of us have been blessed,
Through patience, kindness... stubbornness,
A black cat has approached us,
A black cat allowed us to reach a little further than other hands had ever dared.

And for once, the black cat was admired for what had been hidden from others,
Warmth, the kind that only a few receive, and fewer appreciate.
The beauty in their actions that few have ever seen,
Genuine affection that feels so personal.

And we think to ourselves,
How could anyone not see this?
Why have they been so rejected in the past?
Who would ever do anything to this gentle soul who puffed up to seem scary,
to hide the softer side from the world that had been so unkind to it.

And just like the mysterious connection that brought the black cat to us,
Sometimes closeness, so unfamiliar and terrifying, frightens the black cat,
Back to the life it had before,
We can only hope as the strangers who showed a kind hand,
That maybe the black cat would return,

In the end,
Black Cats remain a mystery to most,
But for those precious few who know,
They will always have a soft spot for the beautiful and mysterious creatures.

The Void (9/15/2026)

They are born in the raw silence of two a.m.

Scratched into glass with a thumb gone numb,

spilling past the careful margins of daytime pride

I still miss you.

Can I call you?

You've been on my mind.

In the dark, they read like courage,

a bridge thrown across the distance,

a flare fired blindly into the abyss.

The cursor blinks like an erratic pulse:

on, off, on, off,

waiting for the sudden tap of the blue arrow

that never lands.

Instead, the phone is turned face down,

a quiet truce resting on the nightstand.

Awake again at four,

No more sleep to be found.

First light turns vulnerability into embarrassment,

alchemy run in reverse.

What felt like honesty at two

Looks like surrender at five.

And so the hand returns,

no longer tender, purely surgical.

It finds the small, hollow key pointing left

and holds it down.

Watching as the sentences devour themselves,

syllable by syllable, backward into the void:

the questions unasked,

the ache dismantled,

the nerve retreating from the glass.

By seven, the window is clean as an alibi.

Only the pale prompt remains,

patient and blank, whispering:

Message.

And the day begins,

with everything kept exactly as it was before.

Boyfriend Material(9/9/2026)

In college, I tried to date a girl for about a year and a half. We did all the things a normal couple would do, but as soon as we talked about whether we were dating, she denied it. When I asked for clarity, she told me I wasn't boyfriend material...I was husband material. She told me that if we actually dated, she would probably end up marrying me because that was the energy I gave her. She said she wasn't ready for that or for me. And that was the last day that we spoke.

I am bringing this up now because I am starting to see where her head was at. Or at least how I have treated some relationships in the past. I have a pattern I hadn't even noticed in my own dating decisions.

The girl in the story above was the last one to get that kind of energy from me until I met my fiancé in my junior year of college. When the engagement ended and I began dating again some time later, I didn't bring that same energy to those relationships. I felt hollow. That was until I met my now ex-wife. I kept the same energy until problems started to arise, and I found myself retreating into my own shell to protect myself.

I told myself I wasn't going to give out that same energy again. Every time, it proved painful. But the connections I saw between my ex-fiancé and my ex-wife, and then after my ex-wife, were so shallow. I didn't feel like myself because I was holding back. Then I met someone I could be completely open with. I gave as much as I could. She truly got 100% of my real love and affection, and it felt magical. And yet I still failed.

So, as I approach my almost thirty-six years of life, I am beginning to think my love may not be meant to be shared romantically. Maybe I should keep it for the athletes and students who come into my life and need it most. As much as I live as a hopeless romantic, I believe I should use what's in my heart for those who don't have enough in their homes. Turning off my heart's romantic energy and using that energy only for compassion might be what I need most.

Love (9/7/2026)

You have so much that is positive in your life. Surrounded by people who want the best for you. New people are coming into your life who gravitate toward you and want your ear or your attention. You've become a mentor. You shine when others need a break from the world's clouds.

Friends love having you around. Your family is always jockeying for position to see who you will go visit next. Those you mentor look at you with awe and respect that cannot be faked.
You are one in nine billion. Truly unique and authentic. You laugh easily. Smile frequently. You can be quick witted or very deep depending on the situation.
All this love is contagious.
Now I can step away from the mirror.

CM 9/8/2025

Words to describe what I see with my eyes,

How to explain the beauty of her laugh,

How sad it is when we say our goodbyes,

To say she's amazing can only account for half.

Beautiful brown eyes that see me,

A smile that makes my heart skip,

Wit that stings like a bee,

Sometimes its hard to get a grip.

Life before her seems so empty,

Life with her feels so full,

With her, laughs have never been so plenty,

Yet she never makes me feel like a fool.

Intelligence doesn't cover her mind,

Her brain power far surpasses mine,

But she always comes across as kind,

And she lets me know if I cross the line!

When I look at her I see a goddess,

All I ask for her is to bless,

How dare a mere mortal suggest,

But I like to think I give her my best.

Her sound effects keep me grinning,

_____ in my life? I am for sure winning

WHAT CAN I SAY 9/25/2025

What can I say?

I think about it every day,

How do you describe someone like you,

Every word is so true.

You checked boxes that I didn't know I had,

The way you make me feel so glad,

That the second Bumble match,

Oh man, how did I make this catch?

Every day I hear your voice,

Every time I have the choice,

To hear the music that comes from your lips,

The way my heart always skips.

The way your gaze falls on me,

I can't describe the glee,

How did a man such as I,

Become so fortunate to catch your eye.

You light up my world,

The butterflies have always swirled,

Your laughter is the cure,

I can never resist your allure.

Days apart feel like years,

Nights without your voice reaching my ears,

But when I see you for a day, an hour, or a minute,

I know that I can never have a limit.

Laugh (8/24/2026)

How did you know?

I project confidence.

Golden retriever energy!

Mr. Positive.

You saw all of the good.

Your eyes could see into my being.

There was never anything I could hide from you.

It felt peaceful.

Yet one of my biggest insecurities.

The small part that I found ugly.

The part that I found most annoying about myself.

The sound that few truly heard fully.

You said it was your favorite.

You said it was genuine.

You liked the way it sounded.

You had no idea how much power those words had.

You unlocked something that had been buried for years.

It was something so small, so few words.

But you allowed it to go from something to be hidden.

To something I will never hide again.

Cabin Fever (8/24/2026)

If I would have known,

If I would have known what that weekend would have been,

If I would have known a week later how much would change,

Would I have changed anything?

If I would have known that was the last time I got to see you wearing my shirt cooking a delicious meal,

If I would have known that was the last time I got to hear your real laugh in person,

If I would have known that was the last time I had your legs across my lap just enjoying your company,

Would I have changed anything?

If I would have known that was the last time playing games and being competitive together,

If I would have known that was the last time you would playfully tease me in person,

If I would have known that was the last time I fell into a deep sleep with you in my arms,

Would I have changed anything?

If I knew that was the last time I heard your voice whisper in the dark,

IfI knew that was the last time I got to truly embrace you,

If I knew that was the last time I would get to feel your lips on mine,

Would I have changed anything?

If I had known all would be lost.

The only thing I would have changed,

Was telling you my true feelings four months earlier,

Would that have changed anything?

Yellow hair flashing down the soccer fields,

A laughter so light that no shadow can hold,

Eyes bright blue, like only a clear sky yields,

A spirit spun from lightning and gold.

He's quick with a joke and even quicker on his feet,

A mind like a spark, always three steps ahead,

Sorting through cards, each one stacked neat,

Where Charizards flare in blue and red.

Then out to the grass for the kick and the run,

Tracing the ball with a sudden, sharp grace,

Or competing on the mat when the whistle is done,

With a drive no opponent can shake or erase.

Yet beneath all the motion, the wild racing gear,

Is a heart that is thoughtful, warm-hearted, and true,

A softness that shines when the noise clears away,

In every small kindness he offers to you.

And anyone watching can see where it came,

The way that he talks and the spark in his eye,

He carries her warmth and her quick, lively flame,

A boy moves forward, determined and high,

Reflecting the strength and the humor she gives,

In every bright moment he sparkles and lives.

Broken Compass

I never doubted my feelings.

I never doubted who I was.

For the first time, I actually felt like myself.

Then reality shattered.

I knew you struggled.

I tried to help.

Sometimes I thought I was.

Other times, I felt locked out, not knowing what to do.

I wonder if you cared about me,

I wonder if I mattered to you,

Everything that you told me over 698 hours of phone calls- was it actually true?

My compass broke, not because of what was in my heart, but because of what I didn't know was in yours.

Did you lie when you told me to listen to that damn song?

You knew I connect through music...Losin Control? Or just what you thought I needed to hear?

"...falling so quickly..." Did you fall at all?

"This song is how I feel about you"...

Was it all just a mask that I couldn't see through?

I just don't know.

My compass was so off.

I don't know if I can read people anymore.

I know how I felt.

I know I gave everything and don't regret it.

I just don't know how to tell what love looks like anymore.